Happy Friday!!! I don’t know about you, but my news feed is giving me heartburn. In the interest of having fun before the weekend, and because I need a distraction from all the things that are apparently really offensive to lots of people, I feel inclined to give a potentially-offensive-to-someone shout-out to all the skinny moms out there. I know. Scandalous topic. But here goes:
I should add that I’ve been sitting on this topic for a while- when I wrote it, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue had just been released, and everyone was all hot and bothered about it. I fully recognize the irony that this week Jennifer Aniston is People’s Most Beautiful Woman in the World, and she could probably identify with all the problems below. **Sigh** Timing. Just cut me some slack and have some laughs, if you please 🙂
Oh man, you gotta love the mega love affair going on with the “womanly” figure right now. You know, the one with round, wobbly breasts and hips that would inspire Rembrandt. I’ve read the article that says women with big butts are much smarter (which of course must mean I’m an idiot), and I’ve heard all the odes to large derrieres sung by men in every genre of music for decades. Yes, we’ve all seen the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover. Yes, we all know she’s gorgeous, and voluptuous, and what a real woman looks like. And yes, we all saw those instagram shots of Mindy Kaling (who I love by the way) in Spanx before an awards show. I get it already people, curves are the way of the future, and stick-thin is way out. Whatever. This post isn’t about body-positivity- hopefully you already know from my other posts that we all have plenty of value to add, and Holy Moses if the most significant value we add comes from what size we are, ladies we are thinking about the wrong damn thing. Screw what the world thinks beautiful is- at the end of the road we’ll all have wrinkles and saggy boobs and wiry hair anyway.
Nope. This post is to honor all my skinny moms out there. Since there is a plethora of hilarity on the internet about women trying to lose weight or get motivated to exercise, or having a love affair with pizza (true love if I ever saw it), I feel like those of us in the size less-than-single-digits category should have a little fun too. Here’s my list of skinny mom problems, with room for you to add your own 🙂
1. Enjoying a soak in the tub for the first 5 minutes. Because after 5 minutes, your bony butt is making it impossible to sit in the same position, and your bony shoulders and back are making it impossible to lean back comfortably.
2. Leggings don’t look like leggings, they look like pajamas. There is seriously nothing worse than not being able to wear the classic mom-uniform of black leggings and a big sweater. Alas, you do it anyway, because black leggings.
3. Carrying a baby is the worst. No, not carrying like, pregnant. Carrying like, holding. Because there’s just not a whole lotta mama to hold onto. And because skin-on-bone is not a great feeling. And that baby’s weight is enough to make you topple over if you aren’t careful. “Baby please hold on tight and stop squirming because you could seriously kill the both of us right now.”
4. “You don’t look like you’ve had kids!” Well, thank you. I’m assuming you mean that I’m below-average weight for a mom. But I will take that to mean I don’t have limp hair, stretch marks, saggy breasts, or dark circles under my eyes that could double as war paint. Because those may be a little more indicative of one’s momdom than body weight. Just sayin.
5. You buy push-up bras expecting results. It would be amazing if these things worked as advertised. But somehow being both skinny and a mom means that you will forever be maneuvering to look like you’re working with more than what you’ve got. I remember Keira Knightley saying they airbrushed cleavage onto her in the Pirates of the Caribbean. And also googling if that service was available elsewhere.
6. You bring a sweater with you everywhere. Seriously why is it so freaking COLD?!?!?!
7. Story time is also the worst. Sitting indian-style on the floor with a kid in your lap = feeling like you’ve broken your tailbone. Can’t they just have beanbags or chairs or something???
8. “I bet you can eat whatever you want.” If you mean I can eat a bunch of crap and not gain weight, correct. If you mean eat a bunch of crap and not feel like total crap, wrong. Hamburgers and french fries give me the same yucks they give you, and yes, I feel better eating real food. Sometimes the worst consequences aren’t the visible ones. (Shameless health food plug there.)
9. All those funny jokes about shapewear are lost on you. And you just nod like an idiot as if you get it.
10. You get sick of hearing what “real women” look like, but don’t want to deal with the haters so you listen anyway. Pretty sure that the only discerning factor between a “real woman” and a non-woman is a vagina. And we’re not exactly putting those on display for everyone to critique (although man, that would even the playing field), so maybe we could give the weight-factor a rest too.